Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize