Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
