Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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