My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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