tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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