it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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