oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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