Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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