a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
