god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
