shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
