I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
