god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
