According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize