Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
