i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
