Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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