Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
