She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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