The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
