Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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