I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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