I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
