How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
