you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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