hotel room ftw
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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