I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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