I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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