I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
