Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize