i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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