chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
