so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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