So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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