dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
