either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what day is it and did you see me today?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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