Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
These tits shall not be calmed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
