Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
