God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
