Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
