I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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