I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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