i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
