There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
