Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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