we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
