do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
