tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
