What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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