If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
