every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
