tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
