Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
