is your mom at the bar?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
