my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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