I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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