at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
