you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
