I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
